Ah Beauty, an ever-present topic in the life of women. It starts so early, when our outer appearance becomes such a dominant part of whether we are lovable. I see this with my young daughters. It’s before they even hit puberty, beauty and fashion are at the forefront of their concerns. I had the intention of raising them to empower their characters and minds, but somehow, I couldn’t escape the aspect of beauty and fashion being incredibly important to them. Moving forward to where I am, beauty and fashion in midlife still has a very prominent space in my awareness.
I am not going to try and blame this on the media alone, although of course society and media plays a huge role in determining beauty standards and making this a primary concern in a woman’s life. But the truth is, that I am not free of expectations I set on myself, also being a victim of such programming. I can tell my daughter a million times that her size doesn’t matter, as long as she is healthy and feels good on the inside. But, if she sees me watching myself in the mirror and obsessing over my mum belly, that’s going to stick. This is where I realise that I can help them break this cycle by being an example of a woman, learning to discover my authentic self, accept the natural processes of life and stop being so hard on myself. That is not to say that we need to abandon our sense of style, stop having a love for fashion and all things beauty. But what I am experience mid-life, is another kind of wisdom, that removes the importance we place on many aspects of our human life.
The fact is, no human body will always be blemish free and eternally young. As science stands, there is plenty we can do to appear young, but it only goes so far (Never mind the cost of it all, uuugh!) And the question presents itself to me whether all the efforts to prolong youth is worth it, if aging is inevitable. Perhaps accepting the lines and greys rather sooner than later will give me a lot more peace of mind in the long run.
So, these are the main thoughts that I came across as I approached midlife:
Recognising My Body
It doesn’t matter how slim I was in my younger years, I always found flaws and things to be unhappy with. In my late 30s I realised that I didn’t even see my body as it truly was when I was 20 (or any other age). Ever heard of something called body dysmorphia? It is a condition that makes us see things about our bodies that are not real. And I will argue that most of us have this condition to varying degrees. I came across some old pictures of myself in a bikini in my early twenties and was shocked at how thin I was. From my late 30s perspective I was so thin, but I clearly remember not feeling that way then. I did not see what I saw 15 years later, looking at the picture. That was my first indication that my mind is messed up when it comes to my own body image. fashionn
My body is different now. I have had 2 babies. I am still slim, and I am still overly critical of my looks. But I am far more conscious of the mental disfunction of it all. I am also much less concerned about what other people may think of my flaws. This may be my single favourite thing about maturing in my womanhood.
I have not reached complete liberation from needing approval, but I am well on my way. (We also become more comfortable with owning up to our insecurities. Aging is fun really!)
It took some years after having my children, to realise that I don’t recognise my body. The reason for this was quite simply, that I was entirely immersed in mothering two young children, and didn’t have the headspace to reacquaint myself with my body, my needs and desires.
The Rediscovery of My Style
Fashion became an interest again. My priority, even before kids, was comfort, but post-partum eliminated underwired bras, jeans and basically anything remotely restricting. After a few years of living in Lululemon leggings and comfy knits, I was itching for a style revival, but my mind and body were very different from the last time I had occupied myself with my style choices for more than 5 minutes.
Everything I owned was suddenly strange and felt strange, never mind that it all just didn’t fit anymore. The styles that I had previously always reached for when shopping, didn’t work and it was like dressing a stranger, except more difficult because at least when you’re dressing a stranger you are free from insecurities getting in your way.
Up until this point I had no idea to what extent my looks were a part of my identity. I was stunned just how big a part it was. Right when you are getting to an age where you must accept signs of aging, you also discover that a huge part of how you identify with yourself is what you look like. Everything is changing and you must reacquaint yourself with who you are becoming, inside and out.
I did start following fashion influencers to see what’s ‘trending’. With that, I made the mistake of being ‘over influenced’, and making choices that didn’t work for me at all.
In all the confusion of what my body looks like and how I am feeling as a person, the minefield of fashion influencers did little to give me clarity. It’s not all bad though. Having made bad buying choices was part of the process I suppose.
I am now beginning to find my personal equilibrium with staying fashion informed, while getting to know what works for me and what doesn’t.
Beauty Practices:
I had never been one to spend too much time with skin care and hair care practices. In my very early teens, I spent a lot of time discovering make-up and hair styles, but soon became the kind of young woman that preferred not to spend hours in front of the mirror curling my hair or learning make up tutorials. I mean, it wasn’t really a thing back then either. Social Media influencers were possibly just starting to post content when I was in my 20s. And even when people started talking about hashtags, I was not one of the people that jumped on to the trends. I heard the words and let them pass me by. So, while I always enjoyed fashion and style, I opted for a low maintenance lifestyle in that regard.
When I eventually climbed out from under the rock I was living, rearing babies and toddlers, I was in my mid 30s. My hair was boring, my face was different, and my skin appeared to suddenly have pigments that weren’t there a minute ago. Whether or not all of that was factual and it even matters, is questionable, but that is what I became conscious of. It all happened at the same time. The shift in consciousness to include my own wants and needs with those of my children, came hand in hand with rediscovering my entire self.
Apparently, the make-up that I used to buy was no longer suitable for my skin. The skin care products needed to have new ingredients to support aging skin. The hair was a whole other journey in which I tried everything, including not using any products at all for over two years.
A few years on from my mid-thirties personal revival and I feel like I am beginning to understand myself again. (Will I ever fully? Who knows…) And my greatest understanding is that there is no formula on what you should or should not be doing in your beauty care. It is an entirely individual journey. There’s a minefield of products and tech out there these days that will preserve and enhance your youthful looks if you want them. And there are also ancient, natural practices that support your body from within.
I love to spend time with myself, doing beauty care, for the simple reason that it gives me peace and makes me feel good, which is the ultimate beauty practice in itself. Don’t buy everything that is recommended to you online. People want to sell things, and that is not innately bad. After all, we all need to make a living. But we would do well to become more mindful in our entire way of life, both for our general well-being, beauty and the effects our consumption has on the wider world. More, different products won’t make you more beautiful. Find what works for you and spend time with yourself. That’s the magic formula! 🙂
My advice…
Keep an open mind and feel your way through to your lifestyle from the inside out. This means that whatever beauty and fashion choices you make in your journey, the best starting point is discovering your authentic self. A good, regular practice of mindfulness is super helpful for anything you do for yourself, including your authentic beauty practices.
It just helps to get to know yourself authentically, free from expectations and outside influences. From that place, fashion trends and influences can give inspiration without being overwhelming and just wrong for you.
And lastly, fashion and beauty to me is fun and another way of creatively expressing myself. But the one thing that I am continuously trying to do, is to learn not to identify myself too much with my looks. It’s an ongoing process, that may never be entirely complete. However, the older I get, the more I realise that ‘letting go’ is a quality I find useful to strengthen. Everything changes, nothing is permanent, and this inner knowing, is a potential power source, that nothing material can ever give you.
Love thyself, regardless of the changes!
